No one will ever know how much it hurts
by gloriousponds
Summary: he would gladly take back the bad so that he could have the good.


**_It's like you're screaming and no one can hear._**

He cried for what seemed like days. Sitting in a chair, watching as time went on without him interfering. Ignoring the cries of help for him, and just staring. He kept wishing. wishing that he could see her face one more time. One last time to hold her and tell her that she'll be there till the end of him, like she should have been. Instead he watched her leave him for a change, funny, it was always him leaving her but now the tables have turned.

The Doctor would catch himself saying 'Come along, Pond' to thin air in front of him. He was finally becoming a crazed old man. A thousand years of watching people come and go, and yet this one hurt him the most. He cared for her, more then he should have. If she asked for him to find her the rarest and oldest star in the whole universe, he would gladly go for her. Just to keep a smile on her beautiful face.

**_You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. _**

He lost himself. He was just a single emotion in a empty shell. No longer smiling, what could he smile for? All he had was old memories, a pair of glasses, and an afterword that broke his heart every time he read it. He thought about visiting them, when they were young and didn't know what would happen over the course of a couple years. He could never bring himself to do it though, eventually he would have to leave them and he didn't think he could do that. He wished to keep them immortalized for centuries so that they never left him. But alas, here he was, the immortal god, who had lost everything he cared about.

The world wasn't important. He didn't even know who he was anymore. The Doctor sulked, barely ate and just stared at the never ending fire going on the fireplace. Nothing could change his mind, he decided that he was going to retire. To live the rest of his remaining life in the library and cry. He would never regenerate, he would never care for another companion. Only sit and wait for death to greet him.

**_No one will ever understand how much it hurts._**

River popped in every once and while, sometimes it cheered up just a tad. Other times, it just made the hole in his heart worse. River was the daughter of her, and acquired some traits of Amy. Just the little things, and he would drift back into a memory and cry.

She lost her parents, but she would never understand. No one ever did. He was always destined to be left alone, to grieve and move on. He usually hid his pain in the past and moved onto a new companion.

She was apart of him, didn't even have to squeeze her way into his hearts. Everyday he breathed was another day that she was gone. That she was not besides him, telling him to read to her. He missed the late night adventures he had with her, when Rory was asleep and they went off on their own.

The curse of the Time Lords would always follow him until his dying breath, and he hated it.

**_You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you._**

It was over. The laughter, the smiles, the tears and the friendship, slipped away from him as she blinked.

He swore that if he crossed paths with a Weeping Angel once more, they would rue the day they took away the person he loved so dearly.

**_Then when it's over and it's gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back, so that you could have the good._**

He would gladly fight Daleks and Cybermen if it meant he could have her back. His glorious Pond. The Doctor would do anything just to have her again. If it meant having to reboot the universe again and having her forget him. If it meant her loosingfaith in him and growing up. Just something to see her beautiful mane of red hair and hear the voice of a girl with a Scottish accent who lived in a english village.

But it's too late.

* * *

The phone rings, and he picks it up. Fixing the glasses that were on the bridge of his nose, listening to the words Vastra had spoke.

''Pond,"

And he knew, that all hope had not been lost, that maybe this girl could help ease the pain of his broken hearts a little and distract from the thoughts and memories that were Amelia Pond.

Clara could never replace Amy, but she could fill the gap in his heart in his regeneration. After all, Amy Pond was a huge part of his life and would be forever seared onto his hearts, the first face his face saw. And possibly, before he regenerates into his twelfth form, the last face he sees. For it would be a wonderful thing to see before he lost himself to a new man, a man who won't care for Amelia that much as he did. Deep down, noted in his brain was that his eleventh form had the best of times with a girl who had a fairy tale name, and would never forget her. Not even if he suddenly forgot everything that was in his brain, she would be imprinted there and never leave.

* * *

the quote comes from the beginning of Rhianna's "We Found Love" music video. Thanks for reading & review.


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